This site contains LOTS of spoilers (actually, all of them I hope), and some naughty words like fuck not suitable for children or persons of a nervous disposition. Or Ridley Scott. If you are nervous, a child, Ridley Scott, a nervous child, a nervous Ridley Scott or even a nervous child of Ridley Scott then please leave. You have my condolences.
Greetings from Epimetheus, titan of Greece! May your visit, however long, be as fruitful as the loins of my prized Egyptian concubine!
If what you seek is a thoughtful, insightful, intelligently written exploration of the deep metaphysical and philosophical questions posed by the feature film Prometheus- you've come to totally the wrong place. In fact, good luck with that!
However if watching the film has left you blown away but baffled, exhilarated but exasperated and freaked out but frustrated and you're wondering if you're the only one, or you're wondering what the actually rather little fuss is all about then read on.
It’s the only film I’ve ever experienced that makes sweet, passionate love to my eyes and ears, whilst simultaneously taking my brain round behind the chemical sheds and battering it repeatedly dead with a rock. A spikey rock at that. Hhmmm, putting it like that actually brings to mind something else* - but that's another story.
Below you'll find a quick summary of both the good points and the bad - I'm afraid that you won't find much good in the full review so if Prometheus is your fav film ever then the section you want is right below. The therapist you want hasn't been born. If summaries seem dull then you can jump straight to the full review using the links above. Though that's pretty dull as well, to be honest.
*See: prized Egyptian concubine.
Well, there's the visuals. No denying it, every backdrop, set, prop, costume, prosthetic and CGI sequence look utterly fantastic. Every scene is loving lit by a team of over 1,000 tireless Oompa-Loompas (probably) and the composition of each frame would make Michelangelo weep. If he wasn't dead.
And the robot acting - can't forget that. You've probably seen lots of people pretending to be robots, but you probably haven't ever seen it done this well. In fact, SPOILER ALERT Mr Fassbender isn't actually human at all, but a real robot! Yes, he had his insides, outsides and middles replaced with android components made specially for the film. Now that's method acting. That reveal is exclusive to this website!
The soundtrack and score certainly bear mention; the spooky music is very spooky, the thrilling music is very thrilling, and the moving music is so moving that viewers have reportedly ended up on planet LV-223 just from listening to it. Now that's moving!
So, apart from looking fantastic, sounding awesome and featuring a landmark acting performance, what has Prometheus done for us lately? Read on …
Overblown, pretentious, trying to be profound and taking itself very seriously, whilst being visually amazing and having loads of cool effects, it's the best looking, worst film you'll ever see.
It's unlikely to be a good sign when the main selling point of the DVD / BluRay release is that it might just make some sense of the theatrical release. Unfortunately your cinema ticket doesn't qualify you for a free disc, so you'll have to just give Mr Scott some more money if you'd like to find out what he thinks is supposed to be going on.
Incredibly, every single scene manages to look and sound wonderful - whilst making approximately zero practical sense, and generally raising more questions than providing answers. If you enjoy filling in the blanks for yourself this might be invigorating, there are so many blanks that it honestly feels like only a of a film.
If you’re not keen on blanks, and feel instead that the film's director owes his viewers some explanation of why their characters are doing what they're doing, when what they're doing seems totally effing incomprehensible, then you're woefully out of luck. In fact you'll probably just feel thoroughly shafted*.
Unfortunately I have read that the theatrical release is the final, complete Director's Cut - so if you were hoping for closure from a later version you're shit out of luck.
The film feels throughout as if it was created to a checklist: we need a scene like the chest burster; we need a scene like finding the room full of eggs; we need a scene with a creepy android etc, and then these scenes were dropped randomly into the script until all of the boxes were ticked.
The fact that this requires every character’s motivations to change as required by the plot doesn't seem to bother Ridley; he’s made each scene look great, and work on some kind of schematic, allegorical level, so as long as you can utterly suspend belief for the duration, (and forget how humans actually behave), you should enjoy a really action-packed ride.
However if you're unlucky enough to watch Prometheus with functioning logic circuits in your brain, prepare to be distracted from the impressive audio-visual spectacle by repeatedly leaping from your seat to cry 'what the flippety frack just happened, and why? Are you serious?'. I suppose that at least it's good exercise.
Prometheus - A Ridley Scott Film.
From an original idea by the ancient Greeks Ridley Scott.
Produced by Ridley Scott.
Directed by Ridley Scott.
So blame Ridley Scott*.
*Or perhaps the scriptwriter Damon Lindelof, who doesn't have the redeeming feature of having actually made good films in the past. Did you get LOST, Damon? No? Try it some time … At the end of the day it's not as if this was some script that the studio handed the director - it's Ridley's story and as director it's his job to make sure that the story he's telling makes some kind of sense - a job he failed at miserably.